I sort of stalked a friend of mine due to her crazy developments in her life & chanced upon her blog (which I really did cause I accidentally clicked open her twitter acct & the link was STARING RIGHT AT ME!) Anyhow, I'm amazed how her life transit from one phase to another. To be honest. I have this feeling inside and I'm pretty sure its something call jealousy.. She looks happy, in every aspect of her life. & I guess it's pretty easy to sum up but how often am I really happy? 

Quite frankly, I'm lost w my life. Idk what's holding for my future, whether I am doing enough for myself right now. I hate the fact that everything looks so hazy & bleak & that pisses me off. Deep down I just wna shut these thoughts up, & explore every part of the world. I am motivated to do well, I am, but in which direction?

& I asked myself, what does it takes to be happy? I'm never a happy person quite frankly. I look at the darkest part of every situation cause what I learnt in life is that people are not all good & dainty like I thought they would be. Good doesn't come back if you do good, words are not sincerity & appreciations are not easily to come by. Maybe I need to stop & smell the roses for a while & just open my eyes about the sliver linings of the world to be open about the idea of being happy. 

Right now. I've think I just did the best decision of my life, which is eliminating the possibility of facing pretentious & unappreciative folks. Decided to leave my stupid job albeit the good pay & flexible working hours as they do not justify to the shit I had to take just to keep me functional. I guess this step was WAY overdue & I think I deserve to savor every moment of it. 2 years was how long I had to suck it up, 2 fucking years. 

Let the good things flow. 

Haven't been on the receiving end of good news later, especially when my good news turn out otherwise, double the blow exactly. I always wonder why aren't I am gifted w something call luck, but then I realized, you make your own luck sometimes & brooding over it wouldn't help really. Kind of grateful that this reality only hit me hard when I completed 3 of my papers , least it become a distraction. So while I celebrate my 24hrs of freedom w my wretched flu & a horde of bad news to digest, I would like to say that hopes and expectations are meant to be dashed sometimes. However unlucky I may be I somehow managed to get over it, somehow, someday, maybe. 

& that's my feeble attempt to turn myself around. Gna sleep everything off now...

Can't help but wonder if jealousy is being mistaken for sense of loneliness on my side. All I know is I am being sore from the countless fun he is experiencing while I freak out on my own back here in Sg. Reality's a bitch, really.